Panzer Sing!
by hanafuda
Summary: My first fanfiction. One year later, the title still gets a 0/10. The 765 and 876 girls decide to challenge the finest at Ōarai High School's Tankery class. Hilarity naturally ensues. Rated T for language. I would say literally because of some interesting conversations that take place but my 7th-8th grade teacher told my class and I not to.


**Hello ! This is my first fanfic, please review! Don't be afraid of being honest, I can** **take criticism well.**

"It was another big day at the office, since what was to occur outside would boil blood to the point of steaming into the brains causing utter insanity and CHAOS! BWAHAHAHHA!"

"Producer-san, stop laughing like that."

"OK, Chihaya..."

The atmosphere was utterly different at the Ōarai High School, where everything was calm as usual. The girls barely thought about what they were doing. It was like clockwork - except for Yukari, of course.

"PANZER VOR! JETZT! (Go tanks! Now!)"

Miho said, blankly, "Panzer halt. Die Tanks haben noch nicht einmal begonnen worden... (Panzer halt. The tanks have not even been started...)," and Yukari sighed.

"Slutte å snakke tysk," Saori said, "vi vet ikke hva du sier (Norwegian: Stop speaking German, we don't know it)."

Hana popped her head out of the tank and said, "Ես կարծում եմ, որ աշխարհը պետք է ավելի բազմալեզու մարդկանց (Armenian: I think the world needs more polyglots [yes kartsum yem, vor askharhy petk' e aveli yerklezu zhoghovrdin])!" "Izango denek itxi infernua eman du (Basque: Will everyone shut the hell up)?!" yelled Erwin, from a distance.

Saori said, "Μην εμπλακείτε, Riko (don't get involved, Riko[min emplakeite])." "Это Эрвин вам, глупая девчонка (It's Erwin to you, stupid[Eto Erwin vam, glupaya devchonka])!" Thus an argument began in almost every different language known to man, even Såmi, Catalonian, Javanese, Native American languages, and different African and Chinese dialects.

Back at 765 Pro, the teams were decided upon. Red Team would consist of Haruka, the loader, Chihaya, the gunner, Makoto, the driver, and Yukiho, the radio operator. They wore red, fittingly, and even more so, would operate an Iosef Stalin Tank. The words "Пролетарии всех стран, соединяйтесь! (Russian: the Soviet motto, "Workers of the world, unite!")" were written in white on the side. P knew that it wasn't Nponetapnn bcex ctpah, coeanhrntecb, but Proletarii vsekh ctran, soyedinyaites, and wondered, aren't labor unions just mini communist regimes? Whatever.

Blue Team would be lead by Azusa, the radio "gurl," as she put it. Takane would drive, Miki would load, and Hibiki would fire. Hibiki looked a little insane and sugar-rushed, but Producer-san thought nothing of it. An M4 Sherman sat outside - with Soviet and Russian SFSR flags painted on either side.

Now Producer-san had a problem - there were not enough people to fill four tanks; then three familiar faces popped in. "Eri-chan! Ai-chan! Ryo-kun!" exclaimed Haruka as they entered. At this point, everyone knew Ryo was a boy, the most timid one they ever knew at that, but decided he was still an important part of the group. "Perfect timing!" Not thinking too much about it as they were briefed, they accepted their missions.

Yellow team was lead by Ritsuko, the radio operator. Iori would drive, much to every person in the office, and those outside and in other offices... in other words, everyone in the building complex and within a 50 km radius... uh... To their dismay.

Suddenly Aaron, the author, popped in the door of the office and said, "That's my writing style!" then left. But no one seemed to care.

Ryo would struggle with picking up shells to load and Yayoi would constantly misfire the weapon. This was written in French on the back said of the tank, and only Producer-san could read it: "Ryo aurait du mal à ramasser des coquillages pour charger et Yayoi serait constamment des ratés de l'arme." The Soviet classic T-44 would suit their disfuctionality perfectly (what, that's not a word?). On either side was the Soviet flag and the Ukrainian SSR flag.

Finally there was Rainbow Team, led by Ami and Mami. Mami was the gunner, Eri would drive [into other tanks, civilians, and off cliffs] and Ai would load the gun and work the radio. They didn't know who named the Sherman type they drove Firefly, but they had to deal with it. On both sides was the Soviet flag, you may have guessed, and underneath on either side were flags for the rest of the SSRs - Azerbaijan, Armenia, Belarus, Estonia Kazakhstan, Latvia, Lithuania, Moldova, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan, etc.

Back at Ōarai, the Anglerfish (Miho, Saori, Hana, Yukari, Mako), Turtle (Anzu [not Zanzubar, according to Autocorrect], Momo, Yuzu), Duck (Noriko, Taeko, Shinobu, Akabi), and Hippo (Erwin, Caesar, Saemonza, Oryō) teams were moved out. The argument ended in German as a random girl called out, "PANZER VOR! Ausziehen, jeder! Für ... äh ... was (Go tanks! For... uh... Things)!" The tanks' engines started, and their roar could be heard throughout the Ibaraki Prefecture. They headed slowly to a small town in Gunma Prefecture, where the battle would take place.

At a garage in Tokyo the 765/876 girls jumped into their respective tanks. An American import shop nearby, a radio played "Live Wire" by Mötley Crüe. As soon as Vince Neil said live for the first time in the chorus, the engines started. Producer-san likened their sound to F1 race cars (specifically the 2013 ones). Maybe he would have done better to name the Red Team "Ferrari", Blue Team "Red Bull" (hahaha), Yellow Team "McLaren", and the Rainbow Team "Mercedes".

And so the Soviet tanks drove off. "The Internationale" and "State Anthem of the Soviet Union" played after each other as the moved on.

Meanwhile the Ōarai tanks moved on and the girls sang "Katyusha" - off-key. Hmm.

A small town at the base of Mount Haruna was cleared out for this battle. The town's residents climbed the mountain to spectate and watch their homes and buildings get destroyed - it didn't seem like a problem!

Ōarai's tanks met at the base of Mount Haruna - 765/876's tanks met outside the town on the opposite side. A man wearing a gold shirt with black pinstripes and black shorts walked to the Main Street and blew a whistle. The tanks were moving as soon as the commanders heard the piercing sound, and the spectators' cheers could be heard, even from the summit.

The town was in no way symmetrical except at the Main and A Street intersection, making maneuvering more difficult. Iori crashed the T-44 into a few signs and buildings before somehow mastering the control. Meanwhile a sound was heard from the blue M4 Sherman. Hibiki was laughing evilly, having secretly already loaded a round into the gun. She peered through the top opening of the tank and saw something move. She cried, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-~~~~~]%|^€~!{¥|=,=!.!.!" But really, she yelled and said, "Right bracket percent I-thingy carat euro tilde! Yen I-thingy equals, equals!.!.!" and FIRED!

BOOM!

This first shot and explosion startled the spectators, who thought Haruna was erupting. But the volcano was quiet. It had erupted two weeks before, albeit mildly and posing no danger to towns nearby or some groups of mountain racers who frequented the place. In fact, Haruna was erupting elsewhere - as a teacher at an Azabu Jūban high school, where a student names Usagi Tsukino was late for an English exam.

"Cough, HURK! ...

...

...

...

... Turtle team... Immmobill...

...

*static*

*white noise*

*i'm hearing static, you're like an automatic -*"

Now Anzu was bleeding, and Momo and Yuzu carried her out of the tank to the first-aid station near the spectators.

Hibiki had fired straight into the Turtle Team's Czech Hetzer, instantly popping up the white flag.

"YEAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FUCKERS!" yelled Hibiki, straight into the radio.

The feedback was so loud that Yellow's T-44 never heard the Panzer IV behind them.

BOOM!

"Yellow team, immobilized!" said Ritsuko's annoying, raspy voice.

Meanwhile a white Toyota drifted up and down the mountain, giving out free tōfu to the wildly cheering spectators.

The Anglerfish Panzer spotted an IS tank at 4 o'clock and engaged in hot pursuit. Haruka quickly loaded in a shot and Chihaya moved the turret at a 186 degree angle and fired at the pursuing Panzer.

POW! HISS...

The Panzer slowed down and veered to the right. It avoided crashing into a tōfu shop and Mako righted the car before realizing that the right treads were coming off. Miho and Yukari jumped out to repair the treads as Hana loaded a shot and aimed at the fleeing IS. The IS turned left onto B Street and the shot flew at near sonic speed until it hit a wooden potting shed, obliterating it in the process. Yukari fixed the treads and Miho immediately jumped back in and kicked Mako to drive left. Yukari jumped back in as the tank started moving.

At the same time, across the to-

BOOM!

"Duck Team, immobilized! Son of a bitch!"

Taeko could barely hear herself - she could hear only a loud piercing sound just after the shell hit their tank in the back.

"FUCKERS!"

"Hibiki, calm down!"

"NO!"

So now there was three against

BOOM!

"Blue Team, immobilized! DAMMIT, HIBIKI!"

"I SAW THEM! I COULD HAVE HAD AN EASY SHOT IF YOU DIDN'T DISTURB THIS GROOVE! DID I NOT PUT A SIGN ON THE DOOR?!"

"WHAT DOOR?!"

"Guys, shut the hell up! We can still hear you!" was ironically stated by Iori. Her voice hurt the ears of everyone in the Blue Team T-44, and they shut up.

The Hippo Team's StuG blasted the Kenny Loggins song "Danger Zone" as it inched along.

BOOM!

"...take you right into the Danger Zone!"

"Rainbow Team, dead! We are all dead!"

"Shut up Ai!"

"WE'RE DEAD! WE'RE DEAD! WE SURVIVED BUT WE'RE DEAD!"

So it was up to Red Team's IS to win the day and make an 80's montage comeback. Now Van Halen's "Panama" was blasted from Yukiho's radio. She whispered, "Whether we win or lose, I'm going to dig myself a hole and bury myself."

"... model citizen, zero discipline!..."

BOOM!

BOOM!

POW!

GOTTA GET THAT

BLAM! ZONK! BATMAN!

A rapid frenzy of shells flew between the IS and the StuG.

"Panamahahuhahaha!"

The IS drifted and turned around, speeding straight into the direction of the StuG

"... I can barely see the road from the heat coming off of it..."

BOOM! BOOM!

"Ain't no stopping now! PANAMA!..."

The IS rammed straight into the StuG as soon as it fired a shot. Saemonza was too slow to fire, and her shot grazed the IS as their tank exploded. "Hippo Team, immobilized! So sorry Miho! It's up to you guys now!

"PANAMA!"

For about 10 minutes the tanks searched each other, and it seemed they simply went in circles. Then Haruka spotted the Panzer. She yelled in Norwegian, "Chihaya! Sikt på to (Aim at two o'clock)!" Miho immediately turned around and kicked Mako, yelling "SPEED IT U-"

BOOM!

The shell pierced the armor of the Panzer, missing Miho's and Saori's head by millimeters. The man in the referee costume ran to Main Street and blew his whistle three times, pointing to the IS. "Winner! 765/876!" And unfortunately "GO MY WAY!" started playing, but it was sung in a different voice. Producer-san, who sat with Kotori at the summit, finished his tōfu and noticed, "Hey, that's Kana-chan! "Who's that?" "Not important. After all, foreboding is not a fanfiction thing, right?" Aaron walked by and said, "Yes it is, I just used it."

So the 765/876 girls performed for the spectators to celebrate. Suddenly the spectators all had neon light sticks and waved them around. The tanks were towed back to their respective homes, except for the IS - a Soviet flag was raised from it, then a Japanese one, and an American one - then the audience lost it, stormed the girls, and threw them up into the air.

It was now 8 PM, and the moon was barely rising. 'Twas time to head home. The 765/876 girls shook the hands of the Ōarai zgirls and they all teleported off to their respective homes.

Producer-san went to Hibiki's house and found her passed out and convulsing in a pile of sugar... or was it? Yeah, it was. A Coca-Cola can was on the floor, though.

"Well, that was fun."

Then everyone of them died. They _might_ come back.


End file.
